


One Of Those Days

by snnycarisi



Series: trans!sonny [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 03:56:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20251777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Sleeping in, curled in on himself in the dark would only mean one thing, that he was just having one of those days where dysphoria got the better of him.





	One Of Those Days

As soon as he woke up, Sonny just felt wrong. He couldn’t describe it, it was just this looming feeling of… wrongness that resided over his body like a shroud. It wasn’t exactly as if days like this were rare, but he had been doing much better lately and honestly, the thought that he would probably have days like this for the rest of his life made him want to curl up in the dark and stay there like that all day, that way he wouldn’t have to accept that his body wasn’t right. If he couldn’t see it, couldn’t see anything, he could just pretend he was a floating consciousness, removed from gender completely and living in his own little world of blissful ignorance. 

Of course this couldn’t happen, and even though it was his day off, Rafael gently shook him to wake him up, pulling him out of his thoughts. Grumbling, he nudged his boyfriend away and tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but light infiltrated the room as Rafael opened the curtains. 

Rafael had lived with him long enough to know that Sonny was usually up at the crack of dawn, scuttling around the house trying (but not hard enough) to be quiet and not wake Rafael before his alarm went off and there was a coffee made waiting for him. Sleeping in, curled in on himself in the dark would only mean one thing, that he was just having one of those days where dysphoria got the better of him. 

“Come take a shower with me, querido. You’ll feel better.”

The last thing he wanted right now was for someone else to see his body. He knew Rafael would never say anything- he loved him and would never tell him he looked too feminine, even if it was true. And Sonny just couldn’t deal with his lies today, even if they were told out of love. 

“No, I’m okay.”

“Sonny, c’mon you can’t just stay in bed all day,” he pressed gently, moving to sit on the bed beside his boyfriend and stroke his hair as an attempt to lull the discomfort he felt. 

“Why not?” He knew it was immature, but he figured if he could annoy Rafael for a little while longer, he would eventually give up, go to work and leave Sonny to wallow in self-loathing in peace. 

“Because, if you do you’ll just feel like shit. How about I go make us up some breakfast, and we can eat together when you get out of the shower. Deal?”

He was right, and the offer of food was tempting, so reluctantly, Sonny dragged himself out of bed and moved towards the bathroom with Rafael on his tail to make sure he actually was going to shower. 

Stepping into the bathroom, Sonny avoided turning the light on completely. He knew the second he looked in the mirror all he would see would be hips and thighs he logically knew he no longer had (testosterone worked wonders) but still were ever present in his mind. He knew his way around the room pretty well though, and managed to find his way into the shower without tripping or knocking anything over. He even managed to find the shampoo and conditioner bottles, so if nothing else he at least had clean hair. 

Towelling himself off, he decided he was not up to shaving today, and the small amount of stubble that had grown overnight was more reassuring than not. 

Rafael had lain clothes out for him on the bed, and upon seeing this, Sonny began to smile. This man was too good to him. His grey sweatpants were folded neatly next to an oversized t-shirt reading ‘world’s okayest boyfriend’ he found at a charity shop and jokingly bought for Rafael a few years ago. He also retrieved his favourite packer and stuffed it into his underwear, admiring the bulge it created. Rafael was right, the shower had made him feel about ten times better, and being dressed in familiar clothing that hid the shape of his body meant he could mostly ignore the lingering dysphoria nagging at the back of his mind. 

A plate of eggs and toast, coffee and his boyfriend were waiting for Sonny in the kitchen. He smiled tiredly at Rafael and sat down in front of the food set out for him. Rafael wasn’t the world’s best cook- far from it- and usually the cooking in their home was done by Sonny, but he made passable eggs and Sonny was grateful for the effort. 

“What are you up to today?” Sonny asked. 

Rubbing sleep out of his eyes (he was  _ not  _ a morning person), Rafael sighed. “Not much, I think I have a meeting with Rita at some point which is bound to be fun. There’s a shit tonne of paperwork on my desk too, so I’ll probably be going through that.”

Sonny hummed in response. He was only a little disappointed Rafael had a full day’s work ahead of him and likely wouldn’t be home until dinner time, but it wasn’t like this was within his control. 

Almost as if he had read his mind Rafael added, “I’ll try to get home a little earlier than usual, though. If you pick a movie we can order a pizza or something and just hang out,”

“That sounds good. Don’t be gone too long.” He pouted, chuckling when Rafael rolled his eyes. “Rafi, I’m gonna be so bored and alone all day!” he whined.

“I think you’ll live.” 

“I’m going to have grown a full beard by the time you get home,"

"Hm. As long as it's not the moustache on its own again, I think you'll look sexy anyway."

Sonny gasped, feigning offense. "What was wrong with the moustache? C'mon, admit it, you would have fucked moustache-me."

Rafael hummed contemplatively, then a coy smile took over his expression. “If your clothes fit you better? Maybe. I would have had to avoid looking at you though,”

“That’s so rude! I’m gonna grow it back just for that!” Sonny slapped Rafael's hand playfully, the older man intercepted this attack by grabbing onto Sonny's hand and kissing his palm.

Sonny loved their dynamic. The way they could express their love through bickering, be tender with each other while also poking fun. He never felt like he had to dance around Rafael or hide the way he really felt- he could be authentically himself without any judgement.

“Honestly, do what you want, Sonny. You know I’m going to think you look stupidly handsome no matter what monstrosity you call facial hair you have.” Warmth filled Sonny’s chest and he beamed as Rafael stood up to take him own plate to the sink. 

“I should get going, but you’ll be waiting for me when I get home?”

“Always.” Sonny replied, and he meant it. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are appreciated!!
> 
> if there are any mistakes let me know lol
> 
> twitter is @transcarisi


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